


Order, Order!

by Lazarus76



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Politics, F/M, Hux is Not Nice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-06-11
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:25:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lazarus76/pseuds/Lazarus76
Summary: An alternative take on the hilarity-for-charity show that British politics has become. If you think its bad enough watching it, try living through it!





	Order, Order!

"Madam Speaker, if I could be permitted to finish my sentence-"

"Madam Speaker, the Right Honourable Lady has no need to finish her sentence, since the gist of what she is saying is perfectly clear!"

""If the Right Honourable Gentleman, AKA the Prime Minister could-"

"ORDER, ORDER!"

At this barked command from Speaker of the House Organa, you lapse into silence, still clutching your lecturn tightly as you glare across the House of Commons. Behind you, the Opposition, your party, cheer you and jeer at the Prime Minister, his tall, lean frame equally rigid. You can see Chancellor Ren and Home Secretary Phasma, their faces as sour as their leaders. Behind you, you know your Shadow Chancellor, Poe, and Shadow Home Secretary Finn are both cheering and clapping. Yet again, you have been silenced by Prime minister Hux, yet you know the floor is yours. 

Speaker Organa pauses, and waits for quiet. She then turns to you, smiling. "The Leader of the Opposition is entitled to finish her sentence. Please, continue!"

You nod, suddenly nervous. Swallowing, you look at your notes, then take a deep breath. You begin. "As I stated, the idea of severing our ties with the system completely is a bad one. It is bad for business, bad for jobs, and crucially, bad for security."

You pause. A few murmered "Ayes" filter out. Bolstered, you continue. 

"What the Prime Minister is proposing is the equivalent to us launching a nuclear weapon. Obliterating our support systems and endangering us. In these perilous times, we need to feel secure, and that we are amongst friends and allies, not amongst-"

At this, the House erupts. Hux opens his mouth, cutting right into you.

"Madam Speaker, listen to this! What I propose is a form of strength and stability - the Leader of the Opposition has exposed herself to be weak and wobbly! She can't survive without her friends! She thinks we, this great nation, can't survive without friends either! How...pathetic! "

Hux's party, the Government, erupt into deafening cheers. Behind you, you hear Poe mutter an obscenity. Hux ploughs on.

"Being alone does not mean we are weak - it means we are strong enough to stand alone! The third largest economy in this system! The First Order Government has produced exceptionally trained armed forces-"

"Because they're programmed from birth!"

At this, your party explode into whoops and laughter, applauding. Furious, Hux flushes scarlet, and then resumes speaking. "I propose that we stop this - infantile, pathetic, weak reliance on others, that we-"

"Of course, does this mean you'll stop holding hands with President Snoke?"

The response to this is deafening. The picture in the Times of Hux helping the elderly US President down the steps of the White House had led to all manner of speculation, and forced the Prime Minister to be seen with a string of models in the following weeks. At this, he practically lunges across the podium at you.

"How dare you! How-"

"ORDER!"

At this, everyone starts to fall silent. Senator Organa clears her throat. "House will be dismissed for the rest of the day."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"That was magnificent!" Poe is beaming as you head to your office. "He deserved that!"

You pour yourself a glass of water, and grimace. "Why does it always get personal with him?"

"Because he's a cold, repressed, miserable human being with an IPhone where his heart is." Rey, your assistant, has just breezed in. "But, look, at the moment - he is only 15 points ahead. You can make up the ground in the next year."

"The next election is three years away." You bite your lip. "Hux can't be allowed to take us out of the system - it'll be a disaster for us all. I'm not sure I want to win the next election to clear out the mess."

"Maybe-" 

Suddenly, the phone rings. Rey pounces. "Good afternoon, Leader of the Opposition's Office. Hey Poe, what? Turn on the TV? But-"

You move to the wall mounted set, and press the remote. Suddenly, Hux's face is filling the screen. Standing outside 10 Downing Street, on his official platform. A phalanx of journalists are crowding round. Ren and Phasma both standing behind him. Hux speaks. 

"I am tired of the low level bullying I receive at the hands of the Leader of the Opposition. She is pursuing a vendetta to destabilise our Hexit. We are leaving the Hosnian System, and I feel she is doing, with her disreputable party, everything to jeopardise it. So, I am calling a snap election. I am calling a snap election to show her that the people have spoken, and whilst they are united, Parliament is not. If she's half the woman she is-" at this he smirks, cruelly - "she'll accept this as a challenge. You have a choice. Vote for me, a strong and stable leader, or vote for her and her coalition of calamity!"

Rey switches off. "Are we accepting?"

You nod. "You bet."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"I am confident that my strong and stable leadership will bring a strong and stable economy. And a strong and stable world."

"Thank you, Prime Minister. Leader of the Opposition, what is your view?"

"As a party, we believe that strength and stability come through co-operation. Co-operation both domestically and internationally. That is what leads to strength. We cannot afford to box ourselves in."

"Leader of the Opposition, you say co-operation?"

"Correct. I'm not a dictator."

"Prime Minister?"

"I think the honourable lady has revealed why she would fail in office. You cannot co-operate when you're at the top, its time she realised that."

"Prime Minister, you were described as a 'bloody difficult man', and that was by your own Chancellor. How do you feel about that?"

"Ren is prone to his little outbursts. He has been known to smash equpment every now and then. I suspect I told him off for that."

"Leader of the Opposition, you have been described as collegiate. Your view?"

"Well, its nice to be important...but more important to be nice."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Prime Minister, will you have a chip?"

"Er, no, no carbs thanks."

"Oh, the Leader of the Opposition had one she-"

"Give me a bagful now!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Do you think, Leader of the Opposition, your manifesto will appeal?"

"Yes. We need to bring hope to people. There is too much fear, too much misery, too much living in the shadows. The First Order Government have inflicted deep and damaging cuts, and this is hurting young people's future."

"You believe in that?"

"Yes. They are the resistance!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Boys and girls jobs, oh yes. My future wife will clean the house, I'll run the country."

"Thank you, Prime Minister. Leader of the Opposition, what's you view?"

"Hux having a wife? I think he's just blown his chances there."

"My wife will adore me so much she'll-"

"Pretend you're a human being? A strong and stable one? Yes, of course."  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"My manifesto believes in- hang on, what's Ren written - oh, sorry, we're scrapping the fitness tax."

"What?!"

"The fitness tax, where we would make you pay for your declining health through you selling your home, Ren has-"

"Strong and stable, are you Prime Minister?"

"I am!"

"Then how come you don't know what's in your own manifesto?"

"I..."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"We're going to Jakku City!"

"That's one of the poorestregions."

"Yes. They need to see we mean what we say. Come on!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Prime Minister, they're going to Jakku."

"What? Oh, God, her and her flimsy flamsy sympathy for the poor-"

"But its working."

"What?"

"Your poll lead - its only six points ahead."

"What, no!"

"And look at this. 'On the campaign trail, Hux has seemed distant, robotic, and cold. Maintaining his lean frame on a diet of water and organic celery, he appears as coldly untouchable to most citizens as the models he claims to date. By contrast, the Leader of the Opposition has projected a warmth and humanity."

"We're going to Jakku. Do they have chip shops?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Thank you for turning up to this televised debate, Leader of Opposition."

"Thank you. Shame the Prime Minister couldn't be here. But I'm looking forward to discussing policy with the Honourable Phasma."

"I'm not."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Results are coming in."

"What are they, Ren?"

"I- Oh god."

"What is it? Landslide of a 100 seats?"

"Yes."

"Excellent!"

"No, Hux. To her."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"As Prime Minister, I will do everything to heal this nation and to bring us peace and prosperity. To bring us security."

"Prime Minister, what do you think of Hux resigning from politics, effective immediately?"

"I think he is a great man who is deserving of respect. I will miss the opportunities of debating with him. He deserves thanks for his tenure as Prime Minister."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

At your new office, there are bottles of champagne and an air of jubilation. Rey and you are toasting the future with Finn and Poe, when the phone rings. Rey grabs it. "The Prime Minister's Office, I- oh. Hang on."

She puts her hand over the receiver. "Its Hux!"

"What?"

She holds it out, you take it. "Hux?"

"Well, Prime Minister, I'm glad you're talking to me. I saw your speech. Very...good of you. Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"Well, I'm calling for two reasons. One, to wish you all the very best in your new role, and two, to ask if you'll have dinner with me tomorrow."

"Hux, what?"

"I'm sure you noticed I put on at least half a stone during the campaign -I blame Ren for insisting I eat chips. Phasma thinks I've put on more. However, as you say you're going to miss debating with me, lets still do it."

"Why not?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Mr Hux, you're moving back into No. 10 - as the Prime Minister's husband. How did that happen?"

"Long nights debating. Plus, she's happy for me to eat chips."

"Do you still believe in boys and girls jobs?"

"Of course. I clean the house, she runs the country. Let's get to work!"

 

Finis!


End file.
